The internal critic

Back in the days where people were learning about each other only in person, over the phone or via letters, we didn’t have that instant access to information about anyone.

Living in a small city, with one local library and a bunch of high schools, we used to compare ourselves to people only in our group of friends or in class. Someone was a math competition winner, another spelling champion, third won an award for best tennis player in the city. Everyone was able to exceed and feel proud of their achievement.

But now it’s different. In a connected world of social media, news released every minute and access to personal information about anyone in the world, we started to compare ourselves to not only the friends in our circle but to 7.7bn people around the world. We don’t take into consideration any factors, age, how hard someone worked for their achievement, anything. We only compare their current state to ours and decide who is better. ‘Better’ only focused on their career rather than life achievements and happiness. Our hierarchies of accomplishments are now dizzyingly vertical.

As per Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the 5 stage model can be divided into deficiency and growth needs. First 4 being referred to as deficiency or D-needs, while the top-level as being-needs. Deficiency needs motivate us when they are not met. Moreover, the longer these needs are not overcome, the stronger the motivation to fulfil them. For example, the longer we postpone drinking water, the thirstier we become. In this model, Maslow concluded that we must satisfy lower-level needs before progressing on to meet higher level growth needs.

How this relates to us comparing to other people?

We are not equal in ability or outcome. Never will be. People will be unhappy at the bottom, but they need to keep working, trying to satisfy their needs and move up the ladder. Progress takes time and effort to move forward but also awareness to not compare ourselves to other people but to what we were yesterday. Did we become better at what we are doing? Are we a better person than last week? Have we made our partner’s life better?

However, a problem arises with nowadays psychology and people’s desire to give themselves reasons for not achieving their goal. ‘Positive illusions’ as the only reliable route to mental health and letting a lie be your umbrella is WRONG. Things are difficult and complex, and being delusional will not save us and help us move in the right direction.

Every game comes with its chance of success or failure. What differentiates both is us comparing ourselves to what we were yesterday and aiming to be better than that. If there was no better or worse then people wouldn’t have been motivated and there would be no value, no meaning. Why would someone make an effort it doesn’t improve anything? If we are on a diet and trying to lose weight, will we give up if we don’t see a result after 1 day? Some will, but here comes the other important factor that certain things take a long time to achieve, so it’s about how we approach and trust the process.

It’s important to note that in life there isn’t just one game. We can’t just succeed or fail. There are many games, some of each good and others bad. But all of them will involve you working towards getting better at something. There’s a career, friends, family, personal projects or sports endeavours. Life is similar to playing in the Premier League. You should try to perform at your best and win all your games but there is no point to focus on how the opposition is doing and compare yourself to them. This will not earn you any points and win you a title at the end.

Besides, we are singular beings once we are adults. We have our own specific problems- financial, intimate, health and so on. As we mature conditions of our lives become more complex, personnel and less comparable with those of others, and we must be aware of that. But we should decide what problem to let go, and what to pursue and improve.

Focus

When we have understood that we need to get better than yesterday, we must decide what to improve. Our time is limited and we not always can put our effort and attention into every single aspect of our life we would like to be better. What’s interesting here is using not only our brain but our eyes too.

Eyes are always pointing at the things we are looking for, trying to achieve or interested in. We are aiming, it’s just in human nature and how our minds are built to be always hunting. Our life at the moment is at point ‘A’ and we want to get to point ‘B’ which is better. As ‘A’ is less desirable, we focus our attention on ‘B’ and try to find a route to get there. But if we have a peek at someone else’s target point, then we will be walking the wrong path, we will end somewhere else.

This is why to see we must focus and to focus we must pick one thing above all else on which to focus. We must be disciplined and aware. If you don’t aim at anything, you won’t be flying straight and eventually you will conclude that there is nothing to aim for. That is how you can lose countless games and feel lost.

This is what differentiates success.

Even a man on a sinking ship can be happy when he jumps on a lifeboat and know where he might go in the future.